Contributed by special guest writer, Michelle Hicks, as part of our collaboration with APANO (see organization description at end of this blog)
Correcting my mother’s emails and work announcements almost every day was tiring. She called me every day at all hours, saying that her request was very important and I should not let her down. Everyone will see her communication, so it is best not to mess up. Growing up, I was always annoyed with her because this responsibility fell to me, a 10-year-old. I saw how people treated her, felt how inconvenient it was for me to incessantly proofread every single document she produced, and was angry that I was the translator of important documents. Moreover, I saw how she got passed over for promotion countless times because of my failures to translate well enough. I just did not understand why she did not just try harder to improve her English and do it herself.
As a result, I never wanted to be “that Korean” who couldn’t speak English or who was stuck at a dead-end job. I wanted to be the “American Dream” my mom hoped for. As a misguided kid, this meant the rejection of everything it means to be Korean outside of my house. I tried with every fiber of my being to reject my heritage and who I was in order to assimilate. I spent extra time doing my English homework so I could learn what good grammar was. I begged my mom for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of jigae or other homemade meals she made with love.
In these moments, I didn’t realize how much Whiteness I had internalized or how entitled I was to believe that I was better than where I came from. My mother has given me everything, food, an education, and love, and with that I bought into the myth of “pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps.” In my mind if she just “tried harder” and did more, then we could have the coveted Dream; however, upon entering high school, I realized how much my mother had done for me and how “trying harder” was impossible because she was already doing everything she could to make my sister’s and my lives better. She had carried her dreams across an ocean for us and pushed us to take advantage of the incredible opportunities that she didn’t have when she was our age.
Only then was I able to take the necessary space to fully understand how common my experience of proofreading parents’ emails and other communications is in the Asian American community. For the first time, I found a kinship in my community, because I was finally able to feel a unity in our shared experiences and understand a solidarity in our struggle for a better future. By seeing others who were my age unabashedly unafraid to be themselves, Asian and all, I finally could feel comfortable with myself. I started the long process of repatriating myself. Now, I am more freely speaking our language, practicing our customs and traditions, and connecting with my mother. It led me to become passionate about inclusion, equity, and the issues that affect the Asian American community and other communities of color. Though this realization has taken me almost a decade and a half, I am finally learning to be Asian American.
Bio: Michelle Hicks is the Census Intern at APANO. She is originally from San Jose, CA, and is Korean American. She is a senior at Willamette University and upon graduation will receive a Bachelors of Arts in Politics with minors in American Ethnic Studies and Spanish. Michelle is passionate about political engagement, civil rights, and human rights and hopes to cultivate a more equitable Oregon.
APANO: Established as a 501c3 nonprofit in 2010, the Asian Pacific American Network of Oregon (APANO) is a statewide, grassroots organization uniting Asians and Pacific Islanders to achieve social justice. We use our collective strengths to advance equity through empowering, organizing and advocating with our communities. APANO’s strategic direction prioritizes four key focus areas: cultural work, leadership development, community organizing, and policy advocacy and civic engagement. Through APANO’s arts and cultural work, we create a vibrant space where artists and communities can envision an equitable world through the tool of creative expression. We strive to impact beliefs, center the voices of those most impacted and silenced, and use arts and cultural work to foster unity and vitality within our communities. Learn more about APANO on our website and read more writings by APANO members on Medium.